Restriction--or, Why I Decided to Reopen This Old Blog

I got into a conversation this morning where the subject of restriction, and how I sometimes feel it keenly, came up.  Unfortunately, in the process, I also botched it enough to make it seem like I was saying he was a source of said restriction.  I think--hope--I've cleared that up, but it has definitely made me think more on the subject.

I've been praised by friends for being an open book.  That's still true, but, as I said to one of those people, it was much easier being an open book when there were fewer words on the pages.  Since they have met me, my marriage opened up.  I had my first same-sex experiences.  And more.  My life changed, my perspective changed, and even a simple "What have you been up to?" has become a complicated question to answer for about ninety percent of the people who ask it.  The problem is that I like being an open book, but I just can't really do it anymore. 

I have a desire to share with people, to write and interact and get feedback, but, as the places I can (theoretically) do that have increased--and the number of people I know along with them--so, too, have the restrictions.  It seems counter-intuitive, doesn't it?

I can't write in my LiveJournal about the exciting (even life-changing) mostly-secret fling I had with a long-distance friend, nor the heartbreak I went through--am still going through--when he turned out to be far less of a friend than he professed, because everyone knows him, and some cannot be trusted.  I can't write about it on Facebook for the same reason, plus the presence of my family.  I can get away with little bits here and there on Twitter, but not much, for the same reasons as LJ and FB--and nowhere, except to very close friends, can I admit how I really felt about him.  OkCupid is out, as well (not that many people will read it), and so is FetLife, but for different reasons (though there are also mutual friends there).

I can't write in my LiveJournal about any problems I may be having in my marriage because my husband and several mutual friends are there.  Same deal with Facebook, OKCupid, and FetLife.  It doesn't help that he so often befriends people I think I might be able to confide in, some day, and kind of...takes over.  It's not a thing he does on purpose or is really that aware of, so I don't blame him or attribute any malice.  He just sees someone neat, gets enthusiastic, and pounces.  Which is annoying, yes, but also makes me feel I have to write them off as potential confidantes, or even readers of semi-public blog posts.

Sometimes, I'd like to write about sex, mostly as it regards the HUGE changes in my sexuality and sexual expression these past couple years, but maybe also my own experiences, and possibly even fantasies.  LiveJournal might work, under extremely restricted circumstances--I've done it before--but it's kind of a ghost town.  Facebook is right out, for obvious reasons.  OKCupid is, too, for obvious reasons that include possible creepers.  FetLife--which one might expect to be ideal--is also not going to work, for obvious reasons that include possible creepers AND the risk of triggering my husband's insecurities (which is also a risk with LJ and OKC).

It could be argued that the things I'm talking about are ones I could/should confide in close friends.  The problem is that I don't have that many.  Three of them are people I'm in relationships with, so I can't exactly get an objective view from them on things in which they are involved.  The fourth, I don't see so much, these days.  But, even if I did...she has so much going on, lately, that I really don't want to dump everything that's been on my mind on her.  And the whole thing makes me really miss that guy from paragraph four, because I could tell him anything.  He was unflappable, and excellent at giving me some much-needed perspective.

Sigh.

So, yeah.  Restricted.  I have a lot to get off my chest, sometimes, but nowhere else to put it...so, there it sits.  Maybe this will be the place for it.